Love yourself to Become your best version / Natasha Noel / Lifestory / Inspiring Story / Women Empowerment

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The inspirational story of a women Natasha Noel.

Love yourself to Become your best version: Natasha Noel 

I'm an orphan and a survivor of sexual violence my name is Natasha Noel and this is my story. At the age of three and a half, the first memory I have of my mother is her cooking herself.. Also have very inappropriate humor. She burned herself in front of me and I can still remember that day like as if it was yesterday. I still remember her screaming, I still remember the burning flesh, I remember everything my dad had schizophrenia so he couldn't take care of me. Because someone needed to take care of him. 

So when you're a child, your childhood should be rooted in love compassion and understanding. Mine was rooted in insecurities they're floating in guilt. I stayed with my godparents that's my dad's oldest sister and her family and they tried to love me in the way they knew best how to. But it was still not enough for me. I still felt the void inside of me kept growing and I felt pain and I just was never happy. But also I learned how to mask. Because I that is the way I learned how to cope. 

Raped at The Age of Seven:

So I pretended! I pretended I was fine, I pretended everything was okay at the age of seven. I was raped by my domestic hell and I don't even remember what happened. All I remember was one moment. We were playing and the at the moment I was washing the blood of my vagina it was just like a lucid dream for me. Sex and rape. I couldn't even spell at that time. Because I have dyslexia right now. I cannot even spell dyslexia without Auto help correcting me. But at that time, his mother told me that I should run away and get married to him. Because he loves me so much. I was just seven and a half for me. 

I didn't understand what was happening the guilt kept growing. He actually told me that, I should run away and get married to him because no one else will ever love you. Those words are still engraved in my soul like a tattoo which is so difficult to heal but I'm healing the guilt just kept growing. I felt like I was the reason why everything was happening to me. All the bad and it was just getting worse. I was sexually assaulted from the age of 8 to 14 with my cousin brothers and sisters. 

And I had enough. I didn't know what to do, and I kept believing I deserved whatever was happening to me at the age of 10. I went into therapy because there my parents realize something is off with her. She has so much anger issues. Yes so much of everything. And she's just not saying what she feels the shape they put me into therapy. This was one of the best things that happened to me. Because at this time, my psychiatrist realized that I was not talking. So she put this paper in front of me, and she told me you can do whatever you feel. Like I took up the pencil and I wrote and I took up the crayons and I colored. 

And I just realized that for me art was my expression. And that is where I found a little way to go Thanks victimization was my baby it was something that I was so good at. I would cut myself I would think that I am a burden that nothing in life can ever get better. Because come on it's just getting worse at the age of 16. Because of my psychiatrist she told me to go in for dancing. So I used to dance here and there. But at the age of 16 I was a professional dancer and dance was something where I found myself. Dance was something which allowed me to be me. I did not feel like anyone was judging me. and I could express how I felt and I was just the happiest at this point of time in myself customization period. I hated my body I hated. I realized that my body is the reason why things are happening. 

Why Rapes Happens

Why the world is the way it is because we have a vagina and men can enter as they please without our permission. At 17 was when I got into my first serious relationship. My first love of my life and it was great at 19. My mother told me that I need focus on my studies and I'm not studying enough and I told her that no I don't want to. I want to dance. This is what I want to do. I want to travel the world and I'm living my life for the first time. I don't want to do anything else. 

That same year I failed the year and that same here I got a knee injury. My meniscus muscle tore my corneal muscle to record liquid in my knees and my front knee cap had tears all on one knee. The doctor told me that I can either dance or I can walk. So the thing that I loved the most and I was actually happy for the first time in my life was taken away from me again. I went into the set of depression. Where I didn't know what to do with my life. But I always believed because I was so good at pretending.

Everything was okay. I put on this mask and I pretended everything was fine. I moved on I finished my graduation. I graduated in English literature and at this period of time for a year and a half. I didn't do any physical activity because I was not allowed to. But because I started working since I was 17. I needed to do something. So I was a professional photographer. I used to take pictures of dancers. Because that is war as close to as what home would feel like. But I was still unhappy. At the age of 21, is where the love of my life broke up with me and I was devastated. We were together for five years and it broke me completely because the one thing I trusted again broke. I took, I went and I took up food.

Felt in Love with Food

And food became my love. Food became the source of inspiration in my life. And I was like this is what I'm living for. I kept eating and eating and eating out eat and puking eat some more just to try and fill that void inside of me just to try and feel some things all right. I realized what I was doing was just going from one numbing device to the other. From the age of 15 to about 20. I would smoke and drink like a crazy person. I would do that because, I had no other means or no I just did not want to feel anything. But at 20 I stopped. But then at 21 I started eating food like as if it was my best friend. This is what depression looks like. This is what you feel when you feel nothing. What depression feels like I can't account stand and explain to you. What is right and what is wrong. I can't but for me, I knew that a society. The society that I'm living in would never be able to handle a sad person. So I would pretend to be happy for the longest time. 

I knew I believed that what I had was a disease. Because come on! you cannot get up in the morning. You cannot look at yourself in the mirror. Because you find yourself disgusting. You cannot go down for a walk, you cannot do anything, you find it difficult to go and brush your teeth, you find it difficult to trust. When you find it difficult to do anything, so there must be something wrong with you. But little do people comprehend the depression is not a choice no one chooses to feel so alone. No one chooses to feel so insecure, no one chooses not to allow someone in, no one chooses not to feel loved, no one chooses that. 

But then I realized that I can come out of it if. I want to I caught up one day. And I was sick and tired of my life. I was sick and tired of just believing that I was a burden. I was sick and tired of thinking. I was the cursed, I was sick and tired of cutting myself. I was sick and tired of just feeling so numb, that I got up and I said I need to make changes in my life. I can either constantly live in this or I as a human being can choose to try and make myself better. Because let me tell you something no one cares about you or your mental health. Only you can do that. This is me today I'm 25 years old. I run to the face of my problems. Now I don't run away from it. I am dyslexic and I write I have asked them. Oh and I run I'm a social-media influencer. I talk about things that no one wants to listen to. And I still do it. 

I do it because this I started becoming the voice of people. Who would be so afraid to talk. Because for most of my life my entire life I was afraid to talk. I've come in numerous magazines, newspaper, articles. I have done a lot of interviews and the three and a half year old me would never believe that I am here today. Would never believe that what is wrong with this girl. But never, I never thought I would but I am here this is me today. I am 25 I am still insecure. I still have depression and sometimes I still need to take medications for my insomnia  I still do have anxiety. But you know what's different?

I am genuinely loving myself. I am genuinely accepting myself for where I am and who I am. All those monsters and demons that I thought were evil I'm going and hugging it. And being like you're gonna be my friends. From now on it's okay it took me a long while. Because I used to think that self love needs to be shoved down your throat. And I used to believe that that is love because that's what that's the only thing I experienced till. I realized that I need to be gentle with myself and it is very very very very hard. Because most days I'm just stuck I'm wondering what is happening. But then I realized that there is the difference between feeling good about yourself and self-love. I can do a workout and I can really great about myself. But if I go and I have cake or pizza right after that I'm gonna feel guilty. 

And then I'm going to start the negative thoughts are gonna come into my head. Thinking oh! you why you're doing what you're doing and you're so useless again? You are so worthless. You cannot do anything in life and you try to do something when you can. But those are the moments now I realize that I need to be more cleaner to myself. I need to be more gentle with myself. that is self-love for me. Took the longest time to realize that I need to give myself time to grow. Because self love and self-acceptance is a process. If my brain for twenty two and a half years has been wired to think that I cannot do something or to think that I'm useless to think that I'm worthless it's going to take time for me to rewire those things to me. 

For me to untwist and do those things and believe in myself so this is me here right now. It took me along while but I realized that it from there is nothing that can grow from a space of hate. That the only way I can grow. Is if grow and love myself is, if I forgive myself so I'm doing that today. One breath at a time and I am not blaming my past. I am not being a victim to my past. 

Thank You!